Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
