i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
