Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
is it fun? or sober?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
