i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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