trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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