rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
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some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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