I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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