I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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