Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
