My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
