those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
