We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
