I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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