It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
