To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
