I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I love having hate sex.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
