You just made me feel so damn special
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
