Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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