Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
