I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
