Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
