I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
