You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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