reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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