my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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