i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
