at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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