i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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