i would punch a child for taco bell
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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