I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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