Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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