i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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