Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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