I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
