Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
