wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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