my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
