I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
