Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
