what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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