I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
