I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
