I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
