Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The best revenge is premature balding
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Randomize
