So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
