Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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