pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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