My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
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so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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