i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
