corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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