I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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