I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
