I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
