I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
