I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
