the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
