$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
